Loneliness

How did I get this lonely?

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger’s football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on his bedroom floor

There’ll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they’ll lay him ‘neath a stone…

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely… and nobody know

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?

I’m not blamin’ anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight’s 20/20, but I still don’t understand…

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely… and nobody know

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger’s football score…

“How Do You Get That Lonely” by Blaine Larsen

The title has come up in my mind often lately. “How do you get that lonely?” …How did I get this lonely?

I guess if you’re not interested in reading about someone’s personal struggles, you should probably leave now. I’m not even sure how to make sense of it, and I’m a psychology major.

Another depressive episode has reared it’s ugly head, a few weeks prior to finals. The stress of work piling up and emotional instability has left me vulnerable, insecure and filled to the brim with doubt about life. I’m absolutely terrified of death, so there’s no way I’ll literally end it… but right now, I want to crawl away from the world and just be alone for the rest of my days. People keep telling me things will get better, and I’ve progressed through the motions of school and such, but it feels so pointless. My life feels littered with a pattern of little gains and huge disasters; I don’t see why I should keep trying if I’m just going to struggle all the way up just to be knocked back down. My mind just cannot wrap itself around the concept that things will be smooth sailing, not with all the internal wounds I’ve accumulated. It seems like there’s more proof for more disasters and pain to come; we’re taught in the sciences to look toward the past for basic information to hypothesize about the future, and this is all I have.

I want to believe things will be different; I just haven’t found a reason. People become frustrated with me because I just won’t pick myself up by my boot-straps or such. I guess I feel like I’ve done that so many times before that I’m absolutely exhausted. There’s no energy left in my body to climb back up on the horse. Maybe there’s another view that I can take out there, but I haven’t found it, and I’m very scared as to what could happen to me.

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~ by Terry Toland on April 30, 2009.

7 Responses to “Loneliness”

  1. […] Lifestyles of the Broke and Notorious […]

  2. Terry, my heart goes out to you. I want to reach across the oceans and give you a huge hug. It’s hard, to “pull yourself together” when all you want to do is curl up in a ball in the corner. Energy is lacking, motivation is even more lacking. Know that many of us understand and know how you feel, and are silently (and not so silently) cheering you on. You are a talented, smart, funny woman, not to mention an amazing writer. You *will* get through it and anyone you choose to call on would be honored to help you.
    ❤ Ash

  3. Hugs

    xoxSasyxox

  4. Although I dont know your history or possible dx of psychological issues, may I strongly suggest you have a medical workup to see if there isnt something organically in error causing your exhaustion?

    Also, please consider a homeopathic careperson for possible tx.

    I wish you the best.

    • I don’t think it’s anything I’m ingesting or in the atmosphere that may be causing my symptoms right now. We’ve had a lot of sunny days, and pollen tends to irritate my nose, not my emotional state. As a psychology major – and perhaps just an oddball – proposing such a possibility does intrigue me, which alone can get the wheels turning towards happiness.

      I have removed the one potentially dangerous substance from easy access and now have a natural dietary supplement that will help me reach the same goal (sleep assistance) right now, and I will create a full update in the future about my well-being. Thank you, everyone, who has replied. 🙂

  5. Terry! You have provided so many kind words during my moments of sadness that I really want to reach out to you and give you a big ole Texas hug. I don’t really know what to say except I understand and I hope soon you will start feeling the strength that I know you have. You words have impacted my life and I always look forward to your comments on my little blog. I hope to see them again soon…oh yeah i guess that means I need to do an entry, LOL

  6. […] set-up might be familiar for some people- I did a photo like this back around spring this year. There are some major notable differences, though: there’s daylight and the avatar is not a […]

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