Loneliness

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger’s football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on his bedroom floor

There’ll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they’ll lay him ‘neath a stone…

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely… and nobody know

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?

I’m not blamin’ anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight’s 20/20, but I still don’t understand…

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely… and nobody know

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger’s football score…

“How Do You Get That Lonely” by Blaine Larsen

The title has come up in my mind often lately. “How do you get that lonely?” …How did I get this lonely?

I guess if you’re not interested in reading about someone’s personal struggles, you should probably leave now. I’m not even sure how to make sense of it, and I’m a psychology major.

Another depressive episode has reared it’s ugly head, a few weeks prior to finals. The stress of work piling up and emotional instability has left me vulnerable, insecure and filled to the brim with doubt about life. I’m absolutely terrified of death, so there’s no way I’ll literally end it… but right now, I want to crawl away from the world and just be alone for the rest of my days. People keep telling me things will get better, and I’ve progressed through the motions of school and such, but it feels so pointless. My life feels littered with a pattern of little gains and huge disasters; I don’t see why I should keep trying if I’m just going to struggle all the way up just to be knocked back down. My mind just cannot wrap itself around the concept that things will be smooth sailing, not with all the internal wounds I’ve accumulated. It seems like there’s more proof for more disasters and pain to come; we’re taught in the sciences to look toward the past for basic information to hypothesize about the future, and this is all I have.

I want to believe things will be different; I just haven’t found a reason. People become frustrated with me because I just won’t pick myself up by my boot-straps or such. I guess I feel like I’ve done that so many times before that I’m absolutely exhausted. There’s no energy left in my body to climb back up on the horse. Maybe there’s another view that I can take out there, but I haven’t found it, and I’m very scared as to what could happen to me.

~ by Terry Toland on April 30, 2009.